いま、会いにゆきます

私は　かぜを　ひきました。私は　かれに　おしえが　ほしって: “今、会いに　ゆきます。”

I wonder, why is it when you’re down in the dumps do you feel that you need a shoulder to lean on? I’ve always prided myself to be an independent. I don’t need someone else around. I can survive on my own, by my own. This is why I don’t even need someone to fetch me home even when I’m out late. I can perfectly take a cab. I always prided myself on being a survivor.. that is until I got sick.

I suppose when you’re vulnerable, some part of you just wish there’s a warm hand to hold on to, a gentle voice to console you. I’m a proud person. Someone who would never say, “I can’t” or admit that I need help. Someone who would rather die fighting then surrender. But what happened?

Inevitably, I’m reminded of my life since 9 June 2005. Especially since a month or so ago, after I watched Be With You, I fell in love with the movie totally. Since a month ago.. I sometimes feel so irked that I’ve become such a softy. Or perhaps, the things I’ve gone through starting from a month or so ago are beginning to be too much for me.

I don’t want to delude myself anymore. I’m miserable where I am. No matter how many activities I cram into my daily schedule - even tiring myself to the brink of sickness - is going to make things better. I don’t want to be where I am. Tracks in the Be With You soundtrack never fail to make me shed tears.

In a place where I only have a vague idea where I’ll end up but clueless on why am I there in the first place, I’m starting to think I’m very naïve. I used to think I would be happy – albeit in a simple way.. just to be happy by more asking for too much – but after so many people are going to leave or left me, it has become quite a rude awakening. I’ve seen things I don’t like, I feel like I’ve been treated as ‘trash’ before. So why am I still here? I just feel obligation to stay. At least till I’ve stretch my limit and couldn’t endure anymore. Its quite suffocating.

I can’t help remembering this dream I had a long time ago. In it, I was lost. Someone had been kind enough to come up to me and lead my over numerous obstacles to my destination. But he disappeared when we reached.

いま、会いに ゆきます。　どこですか。